On a first date, sex should be out of the question. You’re just getting to know each other, emotions are running hot, your head may be swimming in infatuation hormones — not an ideal time to take such a dramatic physical and emotional step. Which is what sex really is.
There are several really compelling reasons not to have sex on a first date:
Health: In addition to AIDS, there are a lot of sexually transmitted diseases, or STDs, running rampant out there: chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes (a virus you’re stuck with for life). Another STD you don’t hear too much about is hepatitis C, an incurable virus that causes a liver infection.
Translation: Sex doesn’t always mean the same thing to men and women. You may think it’s no big deal but your partner is mentally picking out china patterns. You simply need more than one date to make sure you’re both headed in the same direction.
Exposure: On nearly every level, sex is about exposure. You’re (at least partially) naked. You’re opening your body and a piece of your soul to another person. Major stuff, not to be entered into lightly.
Intimacy: Sex is a very intimate act. Even if it feels more physical to you, it’s a primal union that opens up all sorts of emotional nooks and crannies you may not even know you had. The intimacy of sexuality is a powerful, loving, amazing thing. It’s to be nurtured and cherished, not taken lightly.
You said goodnight and locked the door behind you. Her sweet kiss is still on your lips, or his whisper of affection is still warm in your ear. This was a first date that will go down in the annals of dating. It was so delicious you can still taste it. It’s now time for the post-datem.
Gaining a little perspective
Every date has one — a sort of “after” date where you relive each moment that happened in the hours before. Think Sandra Dee in baby-doll pajamas writing passionately in her diary. Or Frankie Avalon singing to the stars on a moonlit beach. This is the post-datem. I must warn you, it’s a very precarious time. Memory can magnify both the good and the bad. By morning, you’ll believe you were out with either Adonis or The Monster from the Blue Lagoon or one of the Desperate Housewives or just somebody desperate. Or worse, you’ll be convinced you single-handedly ruined what was potentially the love match of your life. None are true.
A date is a series of moments, looks, exchanges, sighs, touches, blunders, brilliance, possibilities, disappointments, and delights. It’s subliminal, on the surface, conscious, and unconscious. It’s the apex of your past experiences and the launching pad for the future. It’s an emotional and intellectual stew. No single moment either made or broke your date. Even if your date swears it’s true (“The moment you said you like pizza, I knew it was love”), it’s not.
I know it’s hard to do, but in your post-datem, I want you to put your date into perspective. You don’t have to squash your lover’s high just when you’re feeling so good, but remember what I mentioned earlier: A date is just a date. If you take it too seriously, you’re in for both heartaches and headaches. Instead, when you get home from your date, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Don’t decide that you blew it — or that you want your best friend to be your maid of honor at the wedding.
Take ten minutes to calm down. Give yourself the same gift you gave yourself before your date — a toe-to-head wave of relaxation. Clench and release your body parts in this order: toes, calves, thighs, buttocks, abs, biceps, shoulders, neck, and face. Progressively tighten each muscle, then release, and do it twice. (See Chapter 12 for details on this technique.)
If you think it’s going to be hard to sleep, write down what you’re feeling and, later, you can burn, flush, or preserve the record for your unborn grandkids.
Doesn’t that feel good? Now you’re ready to go to sleep and dream and wake up tomorrow to evaluate your date in the cold light of day and decide where you want to go from here.
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on Friday, June 11th, 2021 at 8:30 amand is filed under Online Dating.
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